Me, Lately



I’ve Been Tired

Or How I Stupidly Managed to Book Four Doctors’ Appoinments In Three Days This Week…

There was some concern over whether I might have sleep apnea that might be aggravating my fibromyalgia. I don’t sleep well. Never really have slept well. I’m a very light sleeper so I have to play a white noise app so little noises won’t continually wake me up all night. I use one with isochronic tones that’s meant to help induce sleep. I find it does help. I sleep better with than without and friends that I’ve recommended it to have said the same. Anyway, I digress… I was to do a sleep study at home. I had to pick up the equipment at the hospital Sunday night, learn how to hook it up and use it, and fill out and sign a bunch of paper work. I got no sleep with the equipment on. I was so afraid of rolling over that I would startle awake, I had a stuffy nose and couldn’t breath (which I made note of on the form), and a neighborhood dog howled all through the night. I woke up with dark circles and matching luggage under my eyes. That was appointment number one.

I’ve had a sinus infection that won’t leave. I’ve had it for weeks. Why don’t I take antibiotics? Well, those of you with autoimmune issues understand, you can’t always take antibiotics because our bodies already produce too many antibodies. It could make us worse instead of better in the long run so I have to be very careful about what I take antibiotics for. Thankfully, my doctor understands this and communicates with me. She asks whether I feel badly enough that I might need them or do I feel that I can ride it out. I love that we work together. I’ve never had a doctor like her before. She’s phenomenal. She was doctor appointment number two.

Later the same day, I went to appointment number three. My neurologist. Because my pain and my sleep had been getting worse he threw in yet another prescription into the pile. We shall see how this works. I really like my neurologist. I’m almost certain he’s an Aspy (Asperger’s Syndrome) like my son. I’ve gotten to know him over the years and now he’s more comfortable with me so he jokes around a bit and he’s wickedly clever. I appreciate humor. He’s also always been very compassionate with me and listened when no one else would. I really appreciate when people do that.

Today was my last appointment of the week. It was one of the doctors from disability to determine whether I’m fit or not. His work was psychometrics, so a lot of memorization and repeating things. I have no clue exactly what he was looking to determine so I have no idea how I did. I honestly was too tired and ill feeling to care. He even commented that I looked unwell, so maybe that was a good thing? No freaking clue.

I never really wanted to apply for disability. I cried for hours when I finally realized I had to because I simply could not work. My body would not let me. It was a very depressing realization. I like working. I felt useful and now I feel like a burden to everyone. They tell me I’m not, but it’s how I feel. I’m so used to taking care of everyone and I can’t do it anymore. I can barely take care of myself. A few doctors’ appointments completely wrecks me. I’ll be unable to function the rest of the week. This is my life now.

Sometimes a friend or family member will tell me to think positively, that things will get better, and I’ll want to scream. Because they won’t. Lately, more often, I just outright tell them that no I won’t get better so please stop telling me to get a better attitude, my attitude has nothing to do with it. I know they mean well but none of the things I have suddenly get cured. I only have one friend who totally gets it and only because she’s a spoonie like me. I don’t know if the denial is just an inability to accept what’s happening, but a lot of the time it feels like a lack of support. So I don’t talk too much about it and I’m careful about who I talk to. For my own sanity. I’m too tired emotionally to help people through my health crisis.

Drawlloween, the Finale

Day 26 was Rat. I think rats are cute so I drew a cute rat.
Day 26 was Rat. I think rats are cute so I drew a cute rat.
Day 27 was Witch. I'm a huge Hayao Miyazaki fan so I drew Kiki from Kiki's Delivery Service.
Day 27 was Witch. I’m a huge Hayao Miyazaki fan so I drew Kiki from Kiki’s Delivery Service.
Day 28 was Black Cat so I drew Toulouse Lautrec's Chat Noir.
Day 28 was Black Cat so I drew Toulouse Lautrec’s Chat Noir.
Day 29 was Scarecrow so I drew Turniphead from Miyazaki's Howl's Moving Castle.
Day 29 was Scarecrow so I drew Turniphead from Miyazaki’s Howl’s Moving Castle.
Day 30 was Spider and I drew a black widow.
Day 30 was Spider and I drew a black widow.
Day 31, the last day, was Dragon. I wanted to draw a traditional Japanese dragon because I've never drawn one before. I think it came out okay for a first time attempt.
Day 31, the last day, was Dragon. I wanted to draw a traditional Japanese dragon because I’ve never drawn one before. I think it came out okay for a first time attempt.

I had so much fun doing Drawlloween. I’m definitely going to make more of an effort to draw daily because it really does make me feel better. It’s a slightly more effective meditation for me. I also loved seeing my friends’ drawings and even total stranger’s drawings on Instagram. I found a few great artists to follow. I’ll definitely be doing this again next year.

Until then, Happy Halloween! 🍬💀🎃👻🍭

Murder! Death! Kill!

Or How My Drawlloween Zen Was Shaken to Its Very Core…

Why can’t I have nice, long moments of luxurious, delicious, decadent peace? Why must people always crap on my parade? Bastards.

Despite the fact that my health has been slowly and steadily getting worse, unfortunately, I had found some peace in picking up drawing again. I did feel a bit rushed having to complete a drawing a day but I still enjoyed it enough to want to continue after Drawlloween was over. I hoped that, in lowering my stress level, it would eventually help improve my health a bit.

Then weird, unexplained things started happening with my health. I went to my doctor on a day during which I had a migraine coming on. I warned the nurse taking my blood pressure that it would be high because of that but it turned out to be very low. Scarily low, in fact. No one could explain it. I take a lot of medication that raises my blood pressure, not lowers it. And I’ve had quite a few dizzy spells and migraines lately. That’s just amongst other health issues.

Also add in dealing with two teenagers into the mix… Ugh. That would undo any sane person, really. They like to take turns aggravating me. They’re good about that. But the boy at least knows to toe the line. He backs off quickly if he sees that I’m about to explode. (Yes, I’m a yeller. I know that’s a fault of mine, but there it is. I blow up and then I get over it.) The girl, however, sees no line. She utterly obliterates the line and I’m screaming until I’m hoarse and she pouts like I’m the evil witch. This time, though…

She actually went so far that her grandmother, my mother, flipped out on her. My mom rarely ever loses her cool. She’s the epitome of “stiff upper lip”. It makes me crazy sometimes how cool and calm she stays. But, apparently, my mom not only lost her shit on my daughter but almost slapped her. That is huge. Even my daughter realized she fucked up big but she’s like me, go big or go home. She added to it.

I have gotten so angry that my own mother is actually laughing at me. I was ranting and she…giggled. I couldn’t believe it. My son comes in after all calmed down a bit. (He was at work during the drama.) He asked, “Why is she pouting?” To which I loudly replied, “Because I will kill her if I see her today.” And he just shrugged and walked away with an “Okay” because, you know, it’s Wednesday and that’s how we do things here on Wednesdays.