Or Why I’ve Committed To Not Committing…
Let’s just say that I have trust issues. Not exactly surprising, I know, given my upbringing. I mean if you feel you can’t exactly trust your parents, who do you trust? I had no peers to rely on. Anyone I’d get close to would eventually leave me in the end. Oh, yes, tack on abandonment issues. I’ve either been stabbed in the back or left by most of the important people in my life. So, for a very long time, I kept nearly everyone at a distance. I made sure not to get too attached. I left first. I was still lonely.
I was sure that love equalled pain. That’s all I had ever seen. Unhappiness, pain, feeling trapped. Why would anyone want that? I flirted and flitted away. My main source of stability was my male best friend. It was the ideal relationship, minus sex. There was no way I was going to do anything stupid like ruin it with sex! We had a good thing going! He, thankfully, felt the same way. Things were great. I helped him out with his relationships and he was a constant in my life. Until, one day, after 15 years of friendship when he decided to lash out at me after his girlfriend dumped him. I took it for a while. I knew he was hurting and, hell, he had gotten me through my divorce. We’d been through stuff together. I wasn’t going to walk away because he was mean. But then he became really cruel and hurtful and I warned him to stop. I told him he was going too far and there would be no coming back. And he kept going. So I said goodbye. He never apologized. Never even tried to take back the horrible things he said. 15 years of friendship gone in one night and he was okay with that.
I wasn’t okay. To be honest, that was, and still is, the hardest breakup I’ve ever had to deal with. I still cry about it sometimes and it’s been a good four years since it happened. I know he doesn’t deserve it, but the relationship I thought we had does deserve a mourning process. I guess he was more important to me than I was to him.
Unfortunately, that seems to be a running theme for me in my life. I feel I get discarded quite easily and it hurts. I don’t know what it is about me that causes people to do this. I’ve often wondered about it so I could change it. Stop it from happening so much. People always told me I put up these walls and let no one in but can you blame me? I let down my guard only to be betrayed in one way or another. It’s why I make no effort to make new friends. It’s why I try to hide away at home so much. I’m trying to become invisible. That way I’m a harder target. It’s a sad and lonely life, but easier to deal with than a knife in my back. I want to be able to love and trust but I don’t believe it’s possible. I feel like my heart is constantly bleeding out. I just keep pulling out splinters and watch the blood spill forth. And no one cares anymore. Not even me.