Inner (Bits &) Peace(s)

Or Having A Midlife Crisis And Your Body Is Falling Apart? Join the Club!

“Take all the time you need to heal emotionally. Moving on doesn’t take a day. It takes a lot of little steps to be able to break free of your broken self.”

I consider this place my sanctuary. It’s where I can tell my truth freely without worrying about hurting anyone’s feelings and dealing with any backlash. I can rant about physical and emotional issues that are keeping me awake at night. Whatever is being a thorn in my side. Very few people who know me personally know of this blog. It’s my place of safety. Everyone needs a place where they feel safe.

I wanted a place where I could work through issues, even if it meant they stayed unresolved. I believe in baby steps. I feel the effort is important. I might not find peace in my love life any time soon, but maybe I will further down the road because I was willing to look at why I fear it. I never liked being afraid of something. I have always had a need to confront my fears head on. The more frightened I am, the more I need to face it, trembling, tears running down my face, unable to catch a full breath, my nails digging into my palm. I don’t know why but I felt I had to prove myself somehow. To whom? I don’t know. Myself, maybe. Show that I was strong even though I was housed in this fragile flesh.

I was always sickly. From birth it was either allergies or infections or some sort of sickness or other. The only reason I never was held back in school was because I was a smart student. School was easy for me. I never had to study. I’d read something once and remember it well. I was an excellent test taker. I was horrible at gym, but my parents never cared about that anyway.

Bring sick so often made me feel useless. Worthless. I couldn’t pull my weight. Do my share. It was devastating for my self-esteem. I felt guilty and ashamed a lot of the time. Still do, if I’m really honest. I hate not being able to help out. I feel like I’m lounging about while everyone else works, even though I know that I physically cannot do that work myself. But since when is the mind solely logical? Eventually, usually, the guilt and the shame turn to hatred, making me feel like a burden to those I love most. It is also another reason why I avoid relationships. Why would I have someone fall in love with me only to have to take care of me the rest of my life. That’s like opening the wrong door on Let’s Make A Deal! Cruel and unusual punishment…

I veered off on a tangent, didn’t I? I do that. I was talking about baby steps…

So sometimes. Make progress in great leaps and bounds, sometimes in baby steps, and, of course, there are times I backslide. It’s eventual. Happens to us all. But I still consider it progress of a sort, just not linear. More of a circuitous, spiraling pattern where you, at times, need to step to the side and step back in order to move on. It’s still going forward, just doesn’t seem it if you don’t know the dance.

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